Mom---I miss you

A warning, you don't actually have to read it if you don't want too...I just needed to write it!

"Sometimes--sometimes it just hits me, you know? And it's not getting any easier." I choke, my eyes flooding all over again. She gazes at me, her face softened by sorrow as she says, "I'm not sure that it will. I think you just get used to the feeling, the hollowness, the loss, and somehow learn to live around it."

The other day at Wal-Mart I picked up this new book. It is a young adult novel that I thought looked interesting. Evermore by Alyson Noel. It is a part of the Immortals Series. The first book and it came out last month. Anyway, this doesn't give anything in the book away. It is on page 196 but just reading the description from the book you know that Ever's family was all killed. She is talking to her Aunt in that quote.

It kind of sums up the way I have been feeling this week. I know that the emotions would be coming. There was no way around it. 3 years ago today I sat next to the bedside of my mother as she went to sleep for the last time. Unfortunately, she had been 'asleep' in a coma for the previous two days. Last night, i decided that I wanted to read another chapter of my book before I went to bed. That was at 10:15, when Justin went to bed. At 1:00 I read the chapter that included the above quote. I don't know if I was compelled to read it so that I could read that quote, or if I was really as afraid I realized I was to lay down on my pillow. I decided when I finished that chapter to go lay down and go to sleep. Justin would be getting up at 4:45, which meant I would be waking up then. So, I laid my head down, turned on my sleep assisting music (David Lanz Select songs from the Beloved Album, including Christophori's Dream) And laid down. As my head hit the pillow, all of a sudden I could no longer stop crying. I missed my mom, more so than I remember missing her in the past 3 years. It was an extremely overwhelming emotion. I couldn't risk waking Justin up, even though I know he would have wanted me to when I was crying. So I got up and left the room. When I sat back down on the living room floor, I just wanted to escape my feelings, so i picked my book back up. Unfortunately, it wasn't until I finished the book at 3:00am that I could even deal with the thought of laying down. Justin woke up about an hour and a half later. I went back to sleep and woke up an hour and a half after that, at 6:30 and then again at 7:00 to get Jaicie off to school.

Regardless of the night, and the emotions that came with it, I have realized over the past couple weeks that I don't know if I have ever actually dealt with loosing my mom. I have cried a lot of tears, but I think that I have pushed so much so far down that I have 'postponed' dealing with the loss. I think that was part of why that line hit my so hard last night. It doesn't get easier. 1 year 3 years, 20 years, it NEVER gets easier. You just learn to deal with the loss and the hollow feeling.

Jaidi...Are you sitting down?...I have cancer

The day brings back the pain of the loss and the pain of her whole sickness. I miss you mom. I love you and I long for the day when the time is right, that we will be able to once again share a hug, a smile, a laugh. One Day!

Hits and Misses

I was reading a friends blog, Ryan and Crystal Miller. I really like her post today. I haven't read all the past posts. But I really enjoyed reading about the hits and the misses...more so the hits! :) Thanks Crystal for giving me the idea!

I feel like I have a tendency to focus a little too much on the misses in life and not NEARLY enough time on the hits. Justin mentioned that I have seemed down lately, and it has really gotten me thinking about why I am down. Anyway, that aside, I wanted to change something in my life and I think right now the thing I should focus on is actually focusing more on the Hits in my life, and a little less on the misses, while still acknowledging them! Misses suck, but they do happen, and it is important to acknowledge them. But the Hits are so much better! So anyway, here is the start of my new weekly challenge!

This weeks Hits
1. Jaicie came home today to tell me her teacher wanted her to tell me she was reading on the third grade level! Holy Cow...the kids in kindergarten, where did that come from, really.
2. Along with that, Jaicie is up to chapter 5 in a simplified and condensed version of Alice in Wonderland--Up to the Cheshire Cat.
3. I bought a little flower pot today to grow a sunflower...A little kit from the dollar section at Target! LOVE IT!
4. Felicity stayed dry all day today! Yes, the whole day!
5. Collin finished a whole bottle tonight!
6. I got to talk to my brother Kevin yesterday.
7. I actually cleaned my living room floor of all the tiny things that Collin wants to stick in his mouth!
8. The flowers blooming on the awesome trees here in Lubbock. They are beautiful! Maybe a picture will come soon!
9. My sore throat is ALMOST all the way gone!
10. The kids are ALL HEALTHY!
and a Bonus! 11. Justin's hair is really soft and his hair is growing back quickly! (he shaved his head on Saturday for a fundraiser and it looks good!)

And the Misses
1. My car got a little scratch at Target or the mall today...
2. We had leftovers 2 different days this week. YUCK!
3. My kitchen is a huge disaster...
4. I didn't enjoy the AMAZING weather we had this week, and now it is gone again!
5. I hurt my shin at the gym yesterday, but hey I went.

And one more hit...I can't think of any other misses right now. I am sure there are some, but I can't think of them right now. That is good. See focusing on the Hits is a much better approach to life!

If you so feel...you are welcome to share your weekly hits and misses as comments...Even if you want to do it anonymously. So hopefully, I will be able to share some hits and misses with you all each week. Even if it is just for me, it is therapeutic nonetheless!

St. Baldrick's Foundation

Back in June of 2007 I organized a fundraiser for the St. Bladrick's Foundation. I was fortunate to raise a few thousand dollars to go towards funding children's cancer research. I had initially planned on repeating the fundraiser yearly, but with a baby due last year i didn't get to, and this year things are hectic with 3 kids at home. Luckily, one of the med students has taken the ball and started it rolling again! Thanks to Aimee, a medical student who has organized the event for this year.

Justin has agreed to shave his head and I am working as a volunteer to help her out. This money completely goes towards children's cancer research. It is an amazing cause and could use all the money we can raise for them. If you feel like you can donate some money for this great cause, you can donate it either on my volunteer page or Justin's. Here are the links!

Jaidi: http://stbaldricks.org/participants/volunteer_info.php?ParticipantKey=2009-327241

Justin: http://stbaldricks.org/participants/shavee_info.php?ParticipantKey=2009-327249

Thanks to anyone who donated! We appreciate the help anyone can give!

Here's to curing children's cancer, $1 at a time! Even $1 can make a huge difference!

New Car, Illnesses, and a check-up

Well, it has been a whirlwind of a month. February has passed with not a few hiccups. The month started with Justin's accident on the 2nd and illnesses the rest of that week. The following week, I came down with what the girls had. The week after that I developed what I think was a cold, but it knocked me off my feet. I was not doing well for that whole week and for a bit the next week too. The residual sore throat and cough that doesn't seem to want to go away. It has been a bit of a headache.

Luckily the girls recovered from their illnesses and Collin didn't get it too bad. Even though Collin didn't get to sick, what he did et sounded like it settles in his chest and it worried me a little. So I took him in to the doc for his 9 month check up a little early. Turned out he is fine. His measurements are: 19 pounds 4 ounces, and 28 inches long. He is doing well and growing well. He has started really discovering movement. Aside from his constant rolling to get ANYWHERE he wants to, he has started figuring out the army crawl. There is no stopping him. He has made it onto the tile once or twice and actually doesn't mind it. He laid his cheek down on the floor and stayed like that for a couple seconds. It was pretty funny. He has also cut his second tooth now. He is sitting like a champ and actually really enjoys standing up against the couch and anything else we can stand him up against. He is discovering a whole new world around him and it is one of my favorite things to see!

Last weekend, Justin flew out Saturday night to Vegas and drove our new car back from Vegas. We were fortunate enough to buy a 2006 Hyundai Elantra off the auction in Vegas. If you need a new car, you should check out Mike's Auto Shack. This guy is amazing! He goes to auctions for his customers and gets them the car they wants at the price they say they want it at. It was a super easy process and even Justin flying out and driving back it was cheaper than anything decent that we could have gotten here in Lubbock!

Well that is an update for ya, we are all doing well and enjoying things here in Lubbock. Justin just finished his psychiatry (or as I like to call it suckiatry---Sorry...but he really didn't like it!) He is starting in OB/Gyn tomorrow and is looking forward to it. THough he has seen 3 babies born, he has never been able to deliver one, and he is really excited about that. It will be an interesting 8 weeks. I can't wait to here how he enjoys it!

Lastly, we are looking at the possibility of being in Utah for the month of (or most of the month of) August. We won't know for sure until May, but Justin is hoping to do an away rotation at the University of Utah. If we do make it out, we are trying to work out living arrangements that are cheap...So if anyone has a house they need a house sitter for in August in Salt Lake, or knows of someone who might, we could use some help finding something. We all want to come so hopefully we can make it all work out! Anyway, let us know!

Videos and Catching Up

As you may or may not have seen...I updated a bunch of videos to my blog this morning! They are fun!

Kids Laughing

Christmas Video Catch Up

Felicity--My Hannah Montana

My Boy the Bouncer

Jaicie's Talent Show

So, there you have it! Lots of fun videos to watch...or not...whatever you prefer! But they are cute regardless!

We have had a stressful week this week. Following Justin's accident on Monday, Jaicie began throwing up. She threw up 2 times, really close to each other, and then not at all the rest of the night. We thought she had eaten something bad and since she was fine that morning, we sent her off to school with the Mills, while we went to get Justin's rental car that the insurance company so graciously provided. She got home from School Tuesday and went to bed and took a nap until 5. After dinner, she started throwing up again. About 10:30 is when she finally quit throwing up and I went to bed. At 11:30, just after i finally fell asleep, Felicity woke up crying that her head hurt. I used my dads trick...go to sleep and it will feel better int he morning...so much for sleep. She woke up 5 times, before I finally gave her some Tylenol and checked her temp--101.5 I think it was. She slept the rest of the night silently...We spent Wednesday cooped up in the house with 3 sick kids. the girls have something, and Collin was still sick from teething. On Thursday all was well. Liccy was feeling better, Jaicie was great and Collins tooth had finally popped through. Jaicie went back to school. Felicity went for Thursday morning at a friends house like every week and Collin and i ran errands. by the time i picked Liccy back up at noon, her fever had gone back up again and her head was hurting AGAIN. we got home and gave her some meds. and she went to sleep for over 2 hours.

We went to Jaicie's talent show, but couldn't stay the whole show cause Liccy was sick.

We should find out on Monday what the insurance is going to do with our car but they said they will probably total it, so we are trying to find good deals on good cars. i guess we will see!

Kids Laughing

The girls LOVE making Collin laugh! Here are a couple of great clips!

Chirstmas Video Catch up!

Angie and I knew what Brett and Justin were getting for Christmas. So we were prepared for what was coming. I got the video camera ready, Angie got the still camera ready and here ya go!



It is the Nerf Volcan, something or other, I can never get the name right!