Mom---I miss you

A warning, you don't actually have to read it if you don't want too...I just needed to write it!

"Sometimes--sometimes it just hits me, you know? And it's not getting any easier." I choke, my eyes flooding all over again. She gazes at me, her face softened by sorrow as she says, "I'm not sure that it will. I think you just get used to the feeling, the hollowness, the loss, and somehow learn to live around it."

The other day at Wal-Mart I picked up this new book. It is a young adult novel that I thought looked interesting. Evermore by Alyson Noel. It is a part of the Immortals Series. The first book and it came out last month. Anyway, this doesn't give anything in the book away. It is on page 196 but just reading the description from the book you know that Ever's family was all killed. She is talking to her Aunt in that quote.

It kind of sums up the way I have been feeling this week. I know that the emotions would be coming. There was no way around it. 3 years ago today I sat next to the bedside of my mother as she went to sleep for the last time. Unfortunately, she had been 'asleep' in a coma for the previous two days. Last night, i decided that I wanted to read another chapter of my book before I went to bed. That was at 10:15, when Justin went to bed. At 1:00 I read the chapter that included the above quote. I don't know if I was compelled to read it so that I could read that quote, or if I was really as afraid I realized I was to lay down on my pillow. I decided when I finished that chapter to go lay down and go to sleep. Justin would be getting up at 4:45, which meant I would be waking up then. So, I laid my head down, turned on my sleep assisting music (David Lanz Select songs from the Beloved Album, including Christophori's Dream) And laid down. As my head hit the pillow, all of a sudden I could no longer stop crying. I missed my mom, more so than I remember missing her in the past 3 years. It was an extremely overwhelming emotion. I couldn't risk waking Justin up, even though I know he would have wanted me to when I was crying. So I got up and left the room. When I sat back down on the living room floor, I just wanted to escape my feelings, so i picked my book back up. Unfortunately, it wasn't until I finished the book at 3:00am that I could even deal with the thought of laying down. Justin woke up about an hour and a half later. I went back to sleep and woke up an hour and a half after that, at 6:30 and then again at 7:00 to get Jaicie off to school.

Regardless of the night, and the emotions that came with it, I have realized over the past couple weeks that I don't know if I have ever actually dealt with loosing my mom. I have cried a lot of tears, but I think that I have pushed so much so far down that I have 'postponed' dealing with the loss. I think that was part of why that line hit my so hard last night. It doesn't get easier. 1 year 3 years, 20 years, it NEVER gets easier. You just learn to deal with the loss and the hollow feeling.

Jaidi...Are you sitting down?...I have cancer

The day brings back the pain of the loss and the pain of her whole sickness. I miss you mom. I love you and I long for the day when the time is right, that we will be able to once again share a hug, a smile, a laugh. One Day!